I was done being vulnerable

It’s hard to believe it’s been almost a year since I was up on that mountain. The weather was unexpectedly cold for our Spring Break trip. I’m not a fan of the cold, actually that’s a gross understatement.

I hate the cold – there I said it. I can handle the judgement.

I was born in the Florida Keys, island is my natural habitat. My cold belongs in calendar images and Instagram feeds, it’s not meant to be felt.

I think that’s what’s so hard about fear – we feel it.

My mix of irrational feelings and rational thoughts that day was embarrassing.

I insisted on leading our trail of family members, each mounted on ATV’s, as we lined up with the other riders behind our guide. It’s nearly impossible to keep your own fear at bay when your momma bear instincts are at full throttle. Thus it was I who led our little pack up the mountain.

The sky was bright and clear. The trees were a mix of barrenness and evergreen. It was an unfortunate opportunity to be alone with my inner self, thoughts and feelings of a crazy girl would have been an appropriate conversation bubble πŸ’¬ doodled over my head.

My fear of heights is deeply rooted in my lack of trust in people. If I fall will there be someone there to catch me? This is the source of my fear.

The people who should have been there from the beginning weren’t, aren’t, and won’t be – people can’t give what they don’t have.

Some of our soul damage will always be there – and we must be content that the awareness of our scars can help us appreciate brokenness and mending without the discouraging expectation of perfection.

Perfection remains in glory and is not planning on visiting our chaos.

Chaos would be a great adjective for my mix of wrestlings.

“Melissa, you can trust that the people who made this vehicle understand the physics of the incline and what is required for all four tires to support you without tipping over.”

“But how do I know I can trust those people.”

“Don’t you trust the people who’ve built the airplanes you’ve flown in?”

“I guess I never thought about that.”

“Do you trust God?”

“Yes… just not through people.”

“Well, how exactly do you think God works in the world.”

“Through people.”

“Then how do you explain why this is any different?”

“I can’t” … ” I’m done talking now. End of conversation.”

I was done being vulnerable – even if it was only with myself.

It takes courage to be vulnerable about your fears and trust that people won’t take advantage of you. It takes courage to ask for help.

Because I’ve been deeply wounded by the people who I should have been able to trust, I have a hard time being vulnerable enough to ask for help.

This year one of the areas I’ve challenged myself to be more courageous in is asking for help.

I’ve been aware of this underlying reason for my fear of falling for many years. I know it’s there – but I don’t let it bully me around. I’ve been to the top of the Eiffel Tower, Sistene Chapel, Jupiter Lighthouse… been zip lining, cave diving, and mountain climbing on an ATV…all to keep this fear in its place.

That’s our conversation starter for this week.

Attribute #3: FACE YOUR FEAR

This week I want you to grab that FEAR by the neck and give it a good shake.

Tell us what you did to put your FEAR in its place.

Be strong and courageous… you’ve got this!

10 thoughts on “I was done being vulnerable”

  1. I admire you, Melissa for leading your family on an ATV trip on a mountain. Those are the kinds of activities that scare me to death even to think about. If I am truly vulnerable, I would say that I trust people, but deep down I have a fear of being let down. During my tinder years, there were many incidences and people that were not there for me in healthy ways. That does have an effect on my level of fear or even to this day. Thank you for taking us on this journey!


  2. I’ve been having to face my fear a lot lately. One of my fears is not being “liked” when my views don’t line up with those around me. I’ve actually felt anxious while getting into conversations with people. I have a lot of “mom-friends”. Some of these moms have very strong personalities. I love them but have a hard time stating my side of things. I want to say my opinion without coming across as hurt or angry. It has been a challenge. I need to start praying first thing every morning and ask God to direct my words and my path.


    1. Allison – I love that you are going to God first to help with this. It’s hard speaking up in the context of relationship. There is a lot of fear opportunity when we are unsure about someone else’s response to our views. We are not responsible for for how it’s received – no matter what. But I love that you are facing your fear with God and asking Him to help shape your words in a way that they can be delivered with love. Love you friend – keep pushing through this a little at a time – you are developing your courage muscles πŸ’ͺ


  3. I am a new business owner. It has been an absolutely amazing journey filled with moments that fill my soul with joy . Then fear knocks at the door and I am left frozen, unable to take another step. I question my ability, my strength, my stamina. Battle fatigue has set in.

    The solution for battle fatigue is :
    Thank God for every blessing large and small.
    Remember God has a plan for whatever situation we are in. The right people will show up at the exact time we need help.
    When the war is raging, surrender every worry, fear, and need.
    Pray. Have an ongoing conversation with God all throughout the day.
    Take one day at a time. Looking to far down the road can rob you of your strength and courage.

    Melissa, thank you so much for starting this blog! You are so amazing!


    1. Sandy – You are a warrior taking the land! It is tiring. I think about Joshua… it took him 7 years to conquer the cities in the Promised Land before he distributed the territory to the 12 tribes. Bit by bit… and THANK YOU for giving us a great outline here of how we can fight ‘overwhelm’ while we are battling the day to day. πŸ’› you


  4. The fear that comes to my mind is the fear of letting someone down. Because of my fear I have a hard time making decisions for fear that it won’t be the right one, even somthing as simple as where to go to dinner. I am a natural leader but am careful in what I choose to lead because of this fear. I have learned to pray to God asking for help with my solutions to the problems that may arise. The second part of conquering this fear recently is not second guessing the decision and having the confidence in myself. I think this too comes from having a closer relationship to God and people I can trust in my community of friends.


    1. Danielle – Thank you for talking about this. Expectations… this is a hard one. While we should all operate with some reasonable expectations often times we don’t live our life fully because other people are projecting their expectations onto us. Live in freedom my friend. Two weeks ago I started leading a Bible study at my kids school. Last year someone else led a study. I never attended her’s so I was briefly concerned that I would be compared to her – and maybe fail to meet some expectations. I say briefly because – I couldn’t stay in that mindset. We need to trust that there is space and room for us – just the way God made us. You bring so much to the table. Lead on girl – so proud of you! And thank you for jumping in here this week 😘


  5. “Some of our soul damage will always be there – and we must be content that the awareness of our scars can help us appreciate brokenness and mending without the discouraging expectation of perfection.” – Oh, how I love this.

    I avoided this thread for a whole week because of FEAR! There’s definitely some soul damage I’ve suffered–namely rejection–that I’ve allowed to bully me into erecting self-protective walls over the years.

    For many years I have operated most of my relationships at very superficial levels, I think to avoid rejection. Avoiding vulnerability at all costs, keeping my expectations low… so as to not be disappointed by people. Or to risk being a disappointment to people.

    But I am called to write my story. I’ve heard it a million times now, “my story matters.” I want God to be able to use the things He’s walked me through; to somehow be a voice that will connect with people in similar circumstances, with similar questions. But writing my story requires me to be vulnerable in a way I haven’t allowed myself to be in years.

    Naturally, this community came at the exact time God is walking me through all of these things: getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. Not quitting. Facing my Fears. (Blergh!) Because God’s timing is perfect. How lovely that your obedience in this coincided with my need for it. πŸ™‚

    Time to Face my Fears. With each passing week, God’s revealing some “next steps” for me and I’m trying to walk through them, one-by-one.


    1. Janine-We can all relate to “putting up self-protective walls” – which I believe is a part of the healing process. If we let all of our hurts out before we’ve processed the PAIN – we know we’re putting out more hurt than good. And yes the decision to know when we can start letting our walls thin out (when and with whom) is scary. My younger more impulsive self despised anything process oriented. What God has been revealing to me in this long hard season is that in His loving kindness He takes us through a process so that we do not become overwhelmed by ____ (pain, hurt, even abundance) – I’ll say it for the million and one time – your story matters.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s