It’s hard to believe it’s been almost a year since I was up on that mountain. The weather was unexpectedly cold for our Spring Break trip. I’m not a fan of the cold, actually that’s a gross understatement.
I hate the cold – there I said it. I can handle the judgement.
I was born in the Florida Keys, island is my natural habitat. My cold belongs in calendar images and Instagram feeds, it’s not meant to be felt.
I think that’s what’s so hard about fear – we feel it.
My mix of irrational feelings and rational thoughts that day was embarrassing.
I insisted on leading our trail of family members, each mounted on ATV’s, as we lined up with the other riders behind our guide. It’s nearly impossible to keep your own fear at bay when your momma bear instincts are at full throttle. Thus it was I who led our little pack up the mountain.
The sky was bright and clear. The trees were a mix of barrenness and evergreen. It was an unfortunate opportunity to be alone with my inner self, thoughts and feelings of a crazy girl would have been an appropriate conversation bubble 💬 doodled over my head.
My fear of heights is deeply rooted in my lack of trust in people. If I fall will there be someone there to catch me? This is the source of my fear.
The people who should have been there from the beginning weren’t, aren’t, and won’t be – people can’t give what they don’t have.
Some of our soul damage will always be there – and we must be content that the awareness of our scars can help us appreciate brokenness and mending without the discouraging expectation of perfection.
Perfection remains in glory and is not planning on visiting our chaos.
Chaos would be a great adjective for my mix of wrestlings.
“Melissa, you can trust that the people who made this vehicle understand the physics of the incline and what is required for all four tires to support you without tipping over.”
“But how do I know I can trust those people.”
“Don’t you trust the people who’ve built the airplanes you’ve flown in?”
“I guess I never thought about that.”
“Do you trust God?”
“Yes… just not through people.”
“Well, how exactly do you think God works in the world.”
“Then how do you explain why this is any different?”
“I can’t” … ” I’m done talking now. End of conversation.”
I was done being vulnerable – even if it was only with myself.
It takes courage to be vulnerable about your fears and trust that people won’t take advantage of you. It takes courage to ask for help.
Because I’ve been deeply wounded by the people who I should have been able to trust, I have a hard time being vulnerable enough to ask for help.
This year one of the areas I’ve challenged myself to be more courageous in is asking for help.
I’ve been aware of this underlying reason for my fear of falling for many years. I know it’s there – but I don’t let it bully me around. I’ve been to the top of the Eiffel Tower, Sistene Chapel, Jupiter Lighthouse… been zip lining, cave diving, and mountain climbing on an ATV…all to keep this fear in its place.
That’s our conversation starter for this week.
Attribute #3: FACE YOUR FEAR
This week I want you to grab that FEAR by the neck and give it a good shake.
Tell us what you did to put your FEAR in its place.
Be strong and courageous… you’ve got this!
Out to lunch – will update upon return 🙂